The Politics of Friendship

It started like any ordinary day.  The ones that leave a mark usually do.  I'm sure that time will fade the specific details, but the hurt that my heart feels will remain.

I lost a friend.  One that I've had for almost a decade.  We had drifted apart recently, and our last dinner together had ended uncomfortably with me being the object of her judgment.  She and I differ greatly on our political views, and it was something that I learned several years ago.  After that very first conversation regarding politics/religion/philosophy ended, I decided that those topics shouldn't be discussed if I wanted to continue the friendship.  The differences were massive and I had been shown that she wasn't interested in hearing a perspective different from hers.  There were plenty of other things I enjoyed about the relationship that I was willing to move past it, and I did.  Until yesterday.

As we all witnessed, this political season was emotionally charged.  People on both sides of aisle were passionate about their candidate and how they've expressed their support.  Regardless of which side you were on.  For the most part, I refrained from making any political commentary on social media because I just didn't want to engage in debate with those of my friends that I differ with.  And I consciously refrained from comment on any of her posts because I knew that we disagreed so greatly.  Even when she felt the need to push her viewpoints on my wall, unsolicited, I said nothing other than asking her to stop.  Last night that came to an end when scrolling through my homepage, I saw a post that said "(Insert friend name) likes (XYZ) Facebook page".  The picture associated with this page was, in its most basic description, a promotion of hate and racism.  I was shocked to see this as this was not the person I knew her to be.  I was so appalled that I remarked about how I loved her dearly, but she might want to be more careful about the pages she attached her name to on social media because I knew that page was NOT who she was.

To say that she became unhinged is an understatement.  Instead of reviewing said page/picture and responding how (to me) a normal friend would react (Wow - thanks for the catch.  I definitely don't want to be associated with that!), she attacked me.  Her initial flurry of comments were denials about what I was even talking about.  Once I text her a copy of the picture, it shifted to how dare I think that about her.  I'm sorry, what?  I was flabbergasted.  In hindsight, I completely own that I should have private messaged her about it.  I hold myself responsible for that decision.  But keep in mind that this is someone that I've shared everything in my life with for the last 10 years with.  Celebrated the births of five children between us.  Cried with.  Laughed with.   Enjoyed life with.  This person who seemingly now because of politics, had turned on me.  I tried to text her once it snowballed and I realized my mistake at not handling it privately in the first place, and never received a response.  She was content to hammer me publicly (with her "true friends", as she put it, chiming in) all the while never taking responsibility for her actions or actually reading what I wrote in the first place.  Despite apologizing for not handling it differently, the conversation never turned positive and resulted in the ultimately break-up:  Unfriend and Block.

I was sad today about the entire exchange and still somewhat shocked that it transpired the way it did when she started up with me on text.  But now, the entire conversation had been twisted around.   She was furious that I called her a racist (which I didn't), and kept telling me how sad and ignorant I was in the "ways of the world".  The insults kept coming.  Here's the thing, folks.  I don't need everyone to agree with my politics.  I am a firm believer in free speech, even that which is deemed hate speech, because to prevent someone from speaking what is in their heart because I label it offensive flies directly in the face of the core of what free speech is all about.  If you associate yourself with imagery promoting racism, someone questions you on it, and you call them insane and publicly belittle them what does that say about you?  Why is it that people cannot understand that some of the greatest things to happen in our world have blossomed from people coming from different places of belief and working together?  Why is it so hard to understand that just because I don't agree with your politics doesn't mean I'm a bad mother and I'm toxic?

I ended today's exchange with a goodbye.  There was absolutely nothing productive to be gained by communicating with her, and quite honestly I was tired of trying to reason with someone whose mind is clearly closed.  Who doesn't see that the amazing thing about our country is its diversity.  Who continues to mock everything that I am, I do and I stand for because it is not in line with her way, which is the "right" way.  I have plenty of friends who's views and beliefs are different from my own.  In case you ever wonder, I'll say it now so know.  I respect your right to raise your children, pray to whatever higher power you believe in, and vote for whomever you want to for President without judgement on your character as a human being.  The decision to continue to be your friend is based on how you treat me, my family, and those I love.  I choose to spend time with people who are positive, uplifting and add value to me as a woman and a mother.  Is it helpful to facilitate a friendship if we share some of the same values, participate in some of the same activities, and share common interests?  Of course.  But please don't attempt to degrade me because I didn't vote for the same President that you did, and I don't parent my children according to your rules.  That type of politics doesn't work for me.


Tune in tomorrow to see how the rest of my day went.  I'll give you a hint . . . my anti-lock brakes work pretty well (but not perfect) and my favorite drink from Jamba Juice DOES come out of my jeans!